Marriage and Family Therapy, Las Vegas, LLC

Rule #2: Believe What Your Partner Says

“I AM FINE” she screams from across the room before she slams the door. You both know she is not.

“Yup, all good” he says and then doesn’t speak more than a couple words for the next three days. You both know it is not good.

Do either of these sound familiar? Enter rule #2-Believe what your partner says and therefore you must also tell the truth.

I wrote about rule number one a while ago so you are going to have to scroll down for that one. Here we are at rule number 2; and that is- you have to believe what comes out of your partner’s mouth, and for that to work you better be telling the truth too. It is imperative to your relationship that if you say you are “fine” that you BETTER BE FINE, because it is not their job to assume (see rule 1) and it is their job to believe you. This is an important rule for many reasons. First, it reinforces that we are not to be making things up in our heads about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Second, it builds emotional trust and trust in communication. Third, direct communication is healthy communication. If you are not fine, say so. If you need time to think about something, say that. If you don’t like how something went, open a conversation to work through towards a solution. Sometimes that doesn’t feel easy, but it is worth it.

If you recognize that you and your partner struggle with healthy communication, book your first appointment today and let’s work on it.

Burnt out?

Are you a burnt out mom? It would make sense if you are. Society sets moms up to fail. All the things that you do to make everyone’s life magical and easy and fun and fulfilling and and and…were meant to be done during the course of your full time job as a homemaker. Now most women have to work a full time job AND are still expected to be the homemakers. It is a recipe for burnout. Do you need help engaging the help of your partner? Do you need to vent, cry, scream about how hard it is to do it all? Do you need help rebalancing so that you can stop feeling like you are drowning? Make some time for yourself and let’s talk about it. Make your first appointment today.

Get ready for the Holidays!

The holidays are coming. It starts with a school party, then a Halloween invite, and before you know it, you’re buried in to-do lists trying to make everything magical for everyone else. The perfect gift, the perfect outfit, the perfect appetizer… it never ends.

But what if this year, you let go of the expectations and simply did less? What if you said, “No, thank you,” to an invitation instead of double-booking and sprinting from one thing to the next?

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But Lisa! I can’t say no — everyone will think I’m a terrible parent, friend, or child!” — take a deep breath.

Running yourself ragged isn’t the point of the holidays. The season is meant to be filled with joy and love, not exhaustion and guilt. Anything that gets in the way of that? It’s okay to say no.

And for the record — if you show up with store-bought cookies to the school party, no one will care. Promise.

Need help learning to say no? Or managing holiday stress? Book your appointment today.

Stuck?

Do you feel stuck? In a rut? In a pattern you can’t shake? Like you are spinning in circles and can’t move forward? There is a way out. The first step is recognizing your part in the pattern. What are you doing to contribute to the cycle? And this isn’t about blame or shame, this is just about information so that you can begin to do something different. Once you have a clearer picture of what is happening you can decide what to do differently, after all the only thing you actually have control over is your own behavior. Try something new; say no, say yes, say you’ll think about it, go out, stay in, try harder, don’t try so hard, etc. Once you try something new, check in with yourself; how did that feel? Better? Worse? What came up for you? Relief? Guilt? Don’t like how it turned out? Do something new next time. DO like how it turned out? Do more of that. Making change is hard and it starts with knowledge so you can make more informed decisions about how you want to respond. Small changes over time add up! Need help figuring it all out? I am here to help. Make your first appointment today.

What Do I Do If My Partner Doesn’t Want to Come to Therapy?

What do you do when you want to go to couples therapy and your partner doesn’t? You have a few options.

The first is to explore with them why they don’t want to come. There is a lot of stigma around couples therapy that might be holding your partner back. Are they nervous that the therapist will take sides? Or they have a hard time talking about their feelings? Or they are worried that it is just the last stop before splitting up? To those I would say; a good therapist won’t take sides, they will balance the room and try to help you each have a deeper understanding of yourself and each other; a good therapist helps you learn how to talk about your feelings in a way that can enhance all your relationships, not just your intimate partner relationships, and that’s a thing worth learning. The last concern is common and real, sometimes the goal of therapy is to uncover the truth, not just to mend relationships, and sometimes the truth of it is that a relationship has run its course. Often times people come to therapy too late and they just want to say they “tried everything” before calling the relationship off. And to that I would say please come to therapy before you NEED it. There is so much good work to be done to help strengthen a relationship before it falls apart.

The second is to go by yourself, there is a lot of good work you can do alone to have a better relationship and then you can teach your partner your new tools in a setting that is more comfortable to them.

And third, you can accept things the way they are and continue to carry on.

If you have been wanted to go to therapy I will say, go now, mend the little cracks before they become giant crevasses. Little cracks are much easier to mend. Make your appointment today.

Kindness

Kindness. What is it? It is a big buzz word these days, everywhere you go you see t-shirts and signs reminding us to “be kind” but with no guidance as to what being kind means. To me being kind means apologizing when you make a mistake (spoiler alert- you will make a mistake), forgiving with someone apologizes when they make a mistake (spoiler alert- they will make a mistake), not being so hard on yourself (spoiler alert- you are not perfect), not being so hard on others (spoiler alert- they are not perfect). True kindness means walking through this world with grace for yourself and for others, for letting the little things go and addressing the things that mean something to you with a directness that asks for what you want so no one has to guess. And what of when someone else can’t participate in kindness? Try again. And if that doesn’t work and you are ready for a break or a parting of ways do that with kindness as well. Wish them well and release them and yourself. Do you need help being kinder to yourself? To others? Let’s talk about it.

Rule Number One

Rule Number One: No Assuming

For me the first rule of all relationships is no assumptions. You do not know what they are thinking and you should not expect them to know what you are thinking. NO ONE IS A MIND READER, I am sorry but they just aren’t. I think we run into relationship danger when we hold on to fantasies like, “if they knew me well enough they would know” or “I wanted them to pick up on my hints” or “I know what they are thinking” or “why don’t they just think like I do”. You are different than your partner, you think differently, you have different expectations and histories, and those are good things because that it was makes you interesting to each other. With that being said it makes the fantasy, just that, fantasy. Healthy communication involves you asking what they want, need, and hope for, and you saying what you want, need and hope for; and vice versa. I am not saying that you should have to repeat yourself 100 times, if you are that is a different conversation, but yes you do have to say things directly and out loud.

If you need help, or want to learn more communication skills book your appointment today.

It’s a Journey

Let me share a secret about progress in therapy; some days will feel like a backslide. There are ups, and downs, and jumps forward, and loops backward. There is no magic wand in therapy, your therapist cannot just make your feelings change. You have to do the work, and the work can feel hard sometimes.

What is also true is that the work trends you upwards. The progress snowballs into better relationships with yourself and with others. There is a lot to learn in the dips and doing so in a meaningful way can help you clarify your morals, values, and dreams. You learn to check in with your more authentic self, a self based in love and compassion. And when you can do that you start to notice that you can create a whole life with more love and compassion. It is hard, especially in the beginning, but it is worth it to be able to put down what burdens you and be able to start climbing. If you are ready to do the work please reach out and make your first appointment now.

Are You Ready?

People tend to avoid going to therapy. There are lots of possible reasons why; financial concerns, time concerns, not knowing how the process actually works, fear, etc. While I genuinely understand all of the hesitations and reason I also want to explore what is holding you back from living a more authentic life, a more peaceful life, a more fulfilling life.

If what is stopping you is financial then please look into low cost options in your area; check out student therapists who often charge a lower rate, interns who work on sliding scales, agencies that offer low cost or pro-bono session. If you would like to use insurance ask your insurance for a list of providers in your area.

Time concerns are valid but with teletherapy now an option for a majority of therapists you can cut out travel time at the least to help curb those concerns. Or look at it this way, how much time do you spend on the thing that you would like to shift? If it’s more than an hour a week maybe therapy is a better use of that time.

Being afraid of the process is easily mitigated by calling a therapist and asking how they structure therapy but most of the time therapy is just talking. Your therapist will ask you questions and you can think, cry, talk, examine, process, whatever you need to do in that time and space to work on shifting your thoughts and actions in a new way. Your therapist will keep the session moving if you feel stuck or don’t know what to say.

If fear is holding you back I would ask you to be brave. Being brave is not the absence of fear, it is being scared and doing it anyway. You might uncover feelings that you would prefer never to have felt and that is a scary thought. Yes it is. What is also true is that ignoring feelings does not make them go away. They grow, like black mold, and become unhealthy and even harder to manage. It is hard and scary to work through old feelings, but you can do it. You can do hard things. Are you ready?

In all things; Balance

Balance is a hard thing to achieve when we are used to thinking about things in extremes. Good behavior-bad behavior, good person- bad person. When we apply these extreme and harsh thoughts to actions, feelings, behaviors it is very easy to demonize yourself or others. Turns out this is childlike thinking. When we are children we cannot process complex thoughts so our brains breaks things down into simple categories, like good and bad. However, it is time to update our brains and remind ourselves that as adults we can process complex thought, that nothing is all good or all bad. Finding the balance can be tricky when we are used to thinking in extremes but it is worth it so that we can remind ourselves that we are inherently good, even if we make a bad choice. We do not have to be perfect to be good people, that is just an example of extreme thinking that does not serve our mental health. If you need help processing this idea, or if you find that you tend to judge yourself harshly maybe it is time to get some help learning a new, more balanced way of thinking. Make your appointment today.